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Oh my heart is both so heavy and light. Finally emerging from the fog of a 2 day migraine and back at my desk doing the final adjustments on the book. This is where I am feeling both free and sad. Once again the word bittersweet feels necessary. The pit of me is such a hodge podge of things. There is relief and pride, there is fear and something else I can only refer to as a sharp sadness. I've always had a complicated relationship with goodbyes. Finishing the book feels like one, whether I meant it to or not. It does. I've spent hours and hours with these poems. I've felt both anger and love for them at times. Never have I felt so connected to a body of work. There's the feeling of saying what I needed to say and also barely denting the surface. I didn't expect to feel so emotional about it. But here I am with tears in my eyes, proud and afraid and brave.

Writing this book pulled me through the remainder of this bizarre year. Writing it put to rest what stayed fitful for too long. I made some peace. I came to it with arms out, no weapons. I loved myself through the process and goddamn did that make all the difference. If this has taught me anything it is to stay close. Take the hand, hold the heart gently. Investigate it with care and love and compassion. Especially the parts we deny air to, the parts that want us to remain shameful or unsure. Love yourself through the entire thing.

Being not-so-great at goodbyes means this feeling of readiness, of being prepared to focus on what comes next, feels unfamiliar. I know what it means to stay and dig, and I did and I'm done. What comes next is whatever I want it to be, and therein lies the difference--I want it.